How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are? -Satchel Paige

Along with the typical apology for not posting more often, I would like to make the statement that my 27th Birthday is coming up. 

SOOOO... Sorry for not posting more often. I find that I only post when I feel anxious or upset, but I realize and admit to myself that these anxieties are trivial in the grand scheme of things, and the boyfriend would just scoff at the mention that they are bothering me and tell me I'm thinking too much or making a big deal out of nothing. I also only write when I feel I can sound intellectual and witty about it (so at least it's entertaining... kinda).

That being said.... MY BIRTHDAY.... is in 11 days. I have not really mentioned anything about my birthday to anyone... at least compared to previous years. If it were like previous years.... I would have declared it my birthday month and posted on facebook about it preparing my friends that the special day is coming. I would also attempt to plan my own birthday party and persuade anyone and everyone to be there. I would do all this every year (for at least for the past 7 years) knowing in the back of my mind that most...if not all... of my "friends" would bail, make an excuse, or just not show. I just want to have a good time with the people I consider my friends... the most fun people in the world.
On the flip side.... whenever it is one of my friend's birthdays.... I have made sure to go out of my way to call them at midnight, send a card, gift, bake, and/or go see them, and if they invite me to a party or to go out.... I go. I think Birthdays are special, and I want my friends to feel special. I just wish they felt the same for me.

I do have to say there are couple people in particular hat make an effort to make me feel special like my boyfriend, and his family, and my best friend who lives far away now. So my birthday isn't a complete bust.
Even my family finds a way to mildly trivialize my birthday, and makes me feel awful that my boyfriend's family makes me feel more special than my own family does. (Which is awful to say.... and I know my family loves me)

I thought to myself today, "Self ...(because that's what I call myself)...what if I continued to not mention it, and take my birthday off Facebook... who would remember? (I mean I have all of my friend's birthdays on my calendar with an alarm) but then I just thought that would be petty and just make me feel bad. Also, it does give me a little bit of joy when all the people I don't expect to say Happy Birthday actually do.
I am being silly I know. But after a few years where I haven't been made feel special on my birthday (besides for my boyfriend) I think I deserve a night where someone takes me out and buys all my drinks and I get some great memories... I really don't even want gifts, just the company of the people I call friends. I just want to have fun on my birthday.

I wonder if this is just what happens when you're in your 20s. All of a sudden reality smacks you in your face and adulthood does not include special days.  Am I the only one who has bad luck on their birthday? I wish it didn't have to be that way.

I think I've just gotten tired of planning my own party that no one goes to, and this year I will spend it at home, drinking my favorite wine, and watching TV while posting on Pinterest for the wedding, house and teaching job I don't have... that is, if I don't have to work.

I'm closer to 30 than to 20... I guess here's hoping someone throws me a surprise party...lol

Sorry for whining, but I needed to be a silent crybaby for a little bit and vent.

SO negtive tonight....bah-hum-bug I know.

next one will be happy... I promise.

<3 k

Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow ye diet. ~William Gilmore Beymer

So, in October I am the Maid of Honor at my friend Liss's wedding. The only other Bride's Maid is a size 2, tan, and blonde, I can't hate her because she is wonderful. I feel o.k. about my weight, I am 5' 5' 180lbs and curvy, but I am dreading looking at the pictures and seeing the composition way off balance because I am a whopping size 14.  It has always been so difficult for me to lose weight. I come from a family that is not petite.  Today I decided ...again... that I'm going to do it! I'm going to do it and stick to it this time! I LOVE food soo much though that I don't know if I'm going to be able to tame my hunger, especially living with my boyfriend who does not eat healthy at all... 

That is all for now... I suppose I will update you...

~kro

I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.

The Road not Taken
by Robert Frost Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

          This has always been one of my favorite poems, not because it is so nicely written and friendly, but because I have always been the type of person to wonder "what if". Because of that my life changes a lot; sometimes for the better and sometimes I make mistakes. Each of these changes becomes a road that leads to other changes. You could also picture a trees branches.
        In the past year and a half, lets say from February 2011 until today June 2012, I have taken so may different roads; each of them equally grassy and begging for ware, yet I wouldn't know where they each would lead me, until I got there. Even though some of my destinations were not preferred, I can't say they were bad. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, whether the reason is preplanned or not is up for debate.

   In February 2011, I rekindled a high school flame and began dating my wonderful boyfriend. He is smart and funny, has a good job, and a great family. We work well together; spending time together never gets old. He was up to great things. In March he bought his very own new new car and in August he moved into his very first apartment (which I ended up moving into as well... unofficially). But he was making big boy moves, which is super sexy. ANYWAYS...
   At this time I had already finished my undergrad, and moved back home and was transferred to a Home Depot near my hometown to continue working with the company.Working retail isn't so bad, it's definitely challenging, especially working the customer service desk. I was getting very burnt out after 3 years of dealing with awful human beings they call customers, so in May 2011 I left to be a dental receptionist at a small, local, privately owned dentist office.  (This is the destination I did not at all prefer)
   I really enjoyed the work. I love filing paper work and scheduling, but I was thrown in head first to a position I had never done before, which was under valued (because I was the ONLY person in the office) and a part time position with full time hours. Something wasn't right... but I am such a positive person, it didn't phase me.  About 3 months of working my butt of for this dentist who was unappreciative, angry at the world, mean, having an affair with one of the women who worked there, and just plain horrible he let me go via text message at 10pm on a Sunday. He let me go because "he couldn't remember telling me I could have an extended lunch" on a day where we had literally NO patients.
   This was the first job I had ever been let go from, and unfairly so! All of a sudden I didn't have a job. I had become an unemployed bum in no time flat via text message!  So, it was time to find another job.... which took forever! I was unemployed from July-September, applying to every job I could find. Finally in August I gave in, and applied for unemployment. I was so embarrassed. Luckily I was only receiving aid for a month before I was hired part time.
   Now I would like to discuss this series of unfortunate events. I was angry, frustrated, embarrassed and also....free for a whole summer.*sigh* As much as I would like to still be angry and bitter because of that....eh hem... mean mess of a man... I was happy I didn't have any obligations for the end of the summer. I could go to the beach, lay outside, take a trip with my boyfriend... not gunna lie, it was nice. But I began to feel guilty for always bumming my parents for "spare change", and making my wonderful BF pay for everything.
   In September I got a job with an After School program at an elementary school. This was good because I had already began applying to schools for education. It had a very sketchy start, and I ended up interviewing for a position that had already been filled... which didn't make any sense. I ended up being offered a "team leader" position, which means I just hang out with a group of kids in a specific grade for a few hours a day, and make sure they don't get into trouble or get hurt.  This was a huge change from working almost 40 hrs a week $10/hr at depot and the office, to at most 20 hrs a week for $9/hr bi-weekly (its very rare you actually get 20hrs a week). I was still struggling, but beggars can't be choosers.
   So its June 2012 now, and I am just finishing up working there, because the kids end school for the year in like 2 weeks.  I made it by because honestly working with the kids is worth it. They are wonderful little learners and to have any part of their childhood development and experience is a priveledge to me. I work with great people (at my site) and I have a lot of fun. Its wasn't enough to save, but enough to get by.
   In December I was accepted to Grad School and began the Elementary Education Masters Program in January. The program I became a part of is accelerated January-December the same year. So it goes by way too fast. The first couple weeks of the first semester were like a whirl wind. We have to do so much, not just homework, but outside tests and payments and certifications, it's overwhelming for sure.
   I LOVE IT!!! I am so happy with my classes and look forward to having a career in Elementary Edu. I have always been an average student, but in this program I completed my first semester with all As and a 3.88 GPA! I am super proud. I could not be happier. I have juststarted my summer semester and I will be going striaght until december completing my student teaching. Life is b....busy. (see what i did there?)
   Today I live with my wonderful boyfriend in a apartment with our two puppies (they will be one  year old in a couple days) that we got in October. I have an awful car, I get paid just enough for gas to get to school and work, and I have two different jobs until the end of June (after school program, and I just got a job at a wine shop). I go to school every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday and do homework every other second of the week. And I am super happy at the moment. Of course there are things I would change (like getting paid more) but I consider myself lucky.

   I know I haven't updated my blog in who knows how long... but I hope this post covers what has happened in my life since then. This will be a good precursor to anything and everything I post from now on.

As for my advice to you.... take the road less traveled, it'll make all the difference.

Truly Yours, Krogill

i am but a stranger....

'We're blind to our blindness. We have very little idea of how little we know. We're not designed to'

Insight: Daniel Kahneman, psychologist


that is all for now i'm afraid....

"Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound! Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Superman!"

I recently got into a debate with my mothers friend about religion. It was "a friendly conversation" I did not want to have at that time. She had been drinking and I just got home from a long day of work.

It all started when she and my mother were convinced that they had seen a ghost in my living room while they were sitting in the kitchen; and me being the SUPER wuss that I am, tried to get them to stop telling me and began to rationalize it in my mind. During my personal rationalization,  my mother's friend, we'll call her, Dana, noticed I am a wuss and began to console me by tell me that not all ghosts are bad and sometimes they are angels. (at least this is how I remember the convo, it wasn't super recent) ANYWAYS,  this conversation took a crazy turn, which I really don't know how it ended up in this place, but it began to be a "debate" about religion. I put debate in quotes because it was really just her aggressively questioning my lack of faith in GOD.

NOW, let me just say, I in NO way have a clue what I believe, ALSO, I am completely respectful of the way other people think and am open to their beliefs.

Now that I've said that... I currently do not believe in a God. I don't believe in heaven and hell, the devil or angels, the after life of any kind. My currently beliefs are based on many philosophy classes I've taken,  many history classes that discuss the beginnings of organized religions, and also the years I've spent going to my own church and the churches of my friends. 

I DO BELIEVE that when we die we go out of existence, just as we had before we were born. I believe in evolution, coincidence, the mind is the brain, that we do not have souls/spirits, and I also believe that their is life on other planets in the universe.

SO while I was having this "debate" with Dana, I was half hartedly defending my case (because it didn't seem worth it to fight her at that moment) I said something that I believe is pretty profound. She asked if I believe in miracles, that people can be blessed, and that sort of thing. I responded with this...

...I BELIEVE IN the power of the human being. The idea that we have a certain strength within ourselves to create moments that seem as if we had been blessed or a miracle has happened. We tend to give credit to a higher being, because we ourselves are stunned and don't know how else to explain it. WE DON'T GIVE OURSELVES ENOUGH CREDIT.  There is always something deep within us that can even shock ourselves. There are soo many things about the human body and the brain we have not been able to discover yet,  these things may be the reasons for the events that we can't explain.

We as humans are typically humble and we tend to doubt our own power and strength, or deny we have it at all. Also, we always have someone to blame when something bad happens.  So,  how perfect it it that there is this all powerful being that controls everything, who is kind yet vengeful.
There is a saying that religion is for the weak, well maybe it is.  Maybe when we are most week we look towards this being and beg mercy on us and bless us. But why can't we just believe in our own human power to get ourselves out of sticky situations. Maybe if we begin to trust ourselves and use our own inner strengths we can become more powerful and come to an understanding of how the human body/brain works.  (I dont know, just a thought.)

Dana said well what about the cases where (and Im completely paraphrasing) there's a bad person and they "see the light" and become good when there is NO reason for them to have "seen the light" in the first place. And I said, "I believe that even in those extreme cases, there is something DEEP within the "bad guy" that made him change his evil ways." There may have been a chemical imbalance in the brain, or a childhood recollection of something good someone had done for him, or even the way he was raised, ect... But regardless this change wasn't an act of a necessary being, God, but something deep within that came to the surface and began to change the way the person acts, feels, and thinks. And vice versa for good guys becoming bad, or obese people who suddenly want to lose weight, a career change, an urge to do anything! Its all within us.
She also, mentioned miracles where people shouldn't have survived certain instances like cancer, or a natural disaster. I responded with coincidence, chance, maybe during a tornado a person is picked up in the wind and should have died but landed a certain way on the ground where there was a huge pillow of some kind that kept them from landing on a hard surface, or just a small little instance where they're arm landed and broke but saved their spine from breaking. Cancer, maybe the chemicals in their body were strong enough to wipe out the cancer, or they reacted a certain way to treatments, or even their was no treatment but they have a certain diet, or live a certain way that just so happened to cure cancer. All of these reasons don't need a God, they just depend on the power within ourselves and the way our world works.

But I really do believe in the power of the human being. I'm going to try to dig deeper and practice this myself. I think going to church is great, I think there are good morals to be learned in church about how to treat yourself and also how to treat others, but I think people depend too much on the belief that there is this all powerful being, God, that they forget to read into those lessons and focus too much on pleasing this God. They forget to please themselves  and some end up going crazy to please this being that will never be pleased.

 just be happy and love yourself. After all, you are SUPERMAN!

kro*

there sure are a lot of frogs out there....

 Once upon a time there was an average small town girl...

             When we are young we grow up watching the classic Disney movies. Girl meets prince, they fall in love and they live happily ever after.  I know this is something that is commonly discussed but lately I've been thinking about it quite a lot.
            I have been single for about 5years now, and during those 5 years I have had quite a few experiences where I had felt betrayed, used, and mis treated by a guy who I had hopes of starting a relationship with. What I realize now is that I am a dreamer, and things do not work out like they do for Disney princesses; which I had always known, but chose to ignore that small tidbit of knowledge because I was caught up in some guy.
          I think I had gotten so used to being disposable that I had forgotten what it is supposed to be like. Currently, I have rekindled a high school fling, and I had  all of a sudden become infatuated with this guy again. He's super sweet and he seems to really like me, I hope. His actions, showing how he feels about me, has reminded me of what its like to be truly attracted to someone, and what a relationship is "supposed" to be like. This is how I should be treated, how I deserve to be treated and this is the kind of guy I should be putting my effort toward.
          About  two or three years ago I read the book "He's Just Not That Into You", that book should be the bible for all of heterosexual womankind. Its hard to read it and believe that its just that simple and, for lack of a better term, cut throat as it sounds. But, when you have a guy treat you the way you should be treated because he is actually really into you, it makes you stop and wonder why you had put soo much effort in the Assholes you'd given time to in the past.
    
     I currently told this guy that i wanted to take it slow, because I didn't want to rush into anything because I was afraid I would get caught up and freak out and ruin it. I have never been in an adult relationship, and I have been single for five years, and at 24 years old I want to do it the right way, if there is a "right way" to do it. Right now, though, Im not sure I want to take it slow. There isn't that awkward, get comfortable stage, because we were really good friends (with benefits at times) in high school. Although, there is some getting to know one another again because it has been a long time, and each of us has done a lot of growing. This is another part of my growing up stage. It makes sense to go slow and not rush, but I really want to be proud and call him my boyfriend and start our relationship together and get rid of my run-ins with shitty guys and put my effort into him because he deserves it too.

      All signs point to me giving up the exploration and being happy with the find, but I guess Im just scared that the find isn't the big one, and I don't want to be let down again. Last time I was let down by a guy I liked, whom I thought liked me as well, my friend said to me as he saw that I was upset, "Oh Kaitlin, the girl who couldn't be loved." It made me really realize that I really have been let down so easily, and I let it happen by being soo trusting.

       ....and eventually she lived happily ever after.... hopefully.


Goodnight dreamers*
Kro

The Alpha Male

"The Alpha male - I use this phrase a lot... Here is quick run down of what it means to me. If you watch animal shows on PBS or Discovery Channel, many species have a dominant male who has sex with all the females in the group, while the other males get none while waiting for him to die or until they are tough enough to kick his ass and become the alpha male themselves. Many males never get to be an alpha male (never get laid)."  
                                                                                                                            -http://www.pickupguide.com/layguide/alphamale.htm
  "This is Maniac High's website. Maniac lives in Tokyo,

Japan and likes to pick up chicks. This site is
devoted to that endeavor. If you are a "nice guy",
and have not been successful with women up to now,
then prepare to be awakened, as the solutions await
you in these pages!"

            After a pretty traumatic night with a certain asshole, I was left to only contemplate the current social conduct that people my age think is acceptable, and where this assumption that it is in fact appropriate, comes from. Beliefs such as the quotes above are what I find are common amongst the males of my generation. 

      What my current observation of men is that they are driven by sex (this may not seem like a surprise to anyone, or something new). Whats different and recent is that while in the past it was a process; men would realize that there needs to be some effort made in order to  get a girl into bed, such as buying drinks and taking a girl on dates. Today I find, men believe that they are entitled to sex without effort. They expect to invite a girl over to"watch a movie", not even pick her up or go to see her, or go pick out the movie together. Then while watching the movie make a move and end up having sex. Its like ordering takeout and not having to pay or even tip the delivery boy. But this expectation is ridiculous, when you have a girl come over and she just want to watch a movie, then when she doesn't want to have sex during the middle of a movie on the first night hanging out with you, YOU get pissed, as if she is in the wrong and threaten to call the cops if she doesn't leave your house?! Really are you that delusional? 

        Also, whats the deal with dirty pictures over the phone. That's something I would do only to someone I really trust; when I've been in the relationship with a person for a while. Whats with this new expectation that this is something I would be OK doing if we just began talking, or seeing one another, Or we are just friends. Its called porn, look it up; porn stars will be out of jobs the day girls willingly give guys dirty pics through MMS picture messaging.  Pay for a subscription and maybe! ugh! Don't call them a fucking bitch and waste of time when they refuse to send you a picture. 

    We wonder why women these days have self confidence issues. It may be because they are being smart and saying no to horny pig and in doing so being emotionally and verbally abused. Just recently these separate occasions have hurt me and really scarred me emotionally. 

Why do men this that it's OK to treat us like this? Where do they get the idea that they are entitled to sexual favors?  Are their parents teaching them the correct way to be a decent human being?

ALSO, those girls that are giving in, or even enabling this behavior, please think about what you're doing. Its about respect and these men who this it's ok to treat women this way aren't respecting you when they take advantage of you. 


I know that what i've just written are very bias and one sided generalizations, but it has really effected me and Im trying to analyze this more common than should be occurance. 


There is no one that it really helping the matter, media, schools, friends, peers, parents. why not?


g*night
kro  

“Remember today, for it is the beginning of always. Today marks the start of a brave new future filled with all your dreams can hold. Think truly to the future and make those dreams come true.”

To tell the honest truth 2010 sucked.  Looking back there were way too many terrible things my loved ones and I had to endure.Without going into detail of how absolutely terrible this year has been, I urge you readers to take that proverbial step on that figurative road called our future with a positive outlook.

To start out 2011, please make that new years goal. Do not make it quickly without thought. Really think of something you want in life (not a coach bag or those high red patent leather pumps at Aldo for $700) but something that allows you to become a better you and grow from the inside out. The second part to this is: DO IT. Work towards it. What is stopping you from doing what you truly want in life? So take those New Year Goals and cash them in!

I implore you to learn something new this year. Whether it be one amazing thing that changes your views of the world or many little nuggets of general knowledge that make you a pro at trivia night; learn as much as you can.

Next, pick your battles. When you have obstacles in life look at the big picture, it'll help you decide how to over come them. For example, when you are arguing with a loved one about something small, whats the big picture? do you want to argue with that person or just be happy with them. Don't sweat the small stuff, enjoy being happy when you can, in every way that you can.

In the next year be sure to think of others. Think of who they are and how they feel. When you think of others and do something for someone else, even the smallest gesture or smile can brighten someones day. Think of a time when someone else did something small for you and made your day a bit brighter; do that for others.

Lastly, have fun. Enjoy yourself, spoil yourself, take time to give yourself the kind of pleasures you deserve.

One day this will all be over, and when you look back on your life and the things you have accomplished, will you be proud? Would you want your children (if not children, your dearest loved one) to live the life you have lead? That is the one thing I promise to myself; that I am proud and happy with my life in the past, present, and the most important the future.

good bye 2010!
goodnight world*

UNSURE

“My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there”

- Charles F. Kettering  (American engineer, inventor of the electric starter, 1876-1958)

To be unsure of something is to be doubtful, uncertain, ambiguous or unaware. When you think about it, it seems that it is impossible for one to physically be all of those things at once.
 When you are unaware or uncertain of something, it seems irrational to doubt it, yet it seems like to be ambiguous is choosing to be ignorant about something intentionally, which isn't being unsure about it at all.
Regardless of what the dictionary says these words have begun to take over my life.


Today is day 80 of living back with my parents.  Which is almost 3 whole months. To be completely honest its a lot like Chinese water torture. (I know that sounds harsh, but just hear me out) For those of you who may be UNSURE of what Chinese water torture is... let me explain.  Chinese water torture is a method of torture that starts off with a drop of water in one single spot on your body, followed by another in the same exact spot, and another, and another, and another consistently continuing at a moderate pace until the buildup of pain is excruciating enough to drive the victim crazy.
What I'm getting at is, that the smallest issues that hardly bothered me in the beginning have consistently continued at a moderate pace until the buildup of pain is excruciating enough to drive the victim crazy!!   *deep breath* ehhem.... I mean... I'm beginning to become more annoyed as these little issues continue.

Our house is very small and pretty cluttered. This fact leads to ISSUE #1: No privacy and No personal space. 

     This issue leads to not being able to have friends over, have any personal time,  have my own personal things, or a number of things any functioning adult should have the right to. My parents don't even have their own computer so they use my laptop. The day I moved home was the day all MY stuff became my parents stuff.  My mother will raid my room at any given moment. Sometimes she'll come in at 9 am after i had been out the night before on my one day to sleep in and search every corner of my room, making loud noises and actually talking to me as if i had been awake for hours, just to take my stuff and claim it as her own. She has also had her friend over and when they choose to go out later in the night, while I wasn't home, she had her friend change and try on all my clothing until she found something that fit to wear out. 

These are just a few examples of Issue #1. 

ISSUE #2 Being treated like a child. Not just having chores, or my parents worrying about me when I go out, but the big issue is that the way they treat me/speak to me and dismiss the things I have to say makes me feel as if my opinions as an adult, or the knowledge that I have gained in my 24 1/2 years on this earth, are not valid, or worse don't even matter.

ISSUE #3 More drama. I don't deal with just drama in my life anymore (which there is very little) but my mother's drama is ALL I hear about. I hear her loudly discussing this drama on the phone to her friends at the early hours of the morn as I attempt to sleep in, then she insists on recapping the whole drama to me as if to try to get me involved. Yet, when I attempt to give my opinion/advice on the whole situation PLEASE REFER TO ISSUE #2. 

Before I get too involved in making this entry a true vent fest I must remember why I began this entry in the first place. So I will settle for those few examples and just hope you get the picture of my current situation. if you'd like me to give more examples for sheer entertainment purposes, just ask, I have many small anecdotes to share.


To be UNSURE: 
Original plan: Grad school to get my phd in art history. No questions... that was the plan. And I was prepared to do whatever it took to achieve that goal. Now, I'm not saying that its not the plan anymore, but now there are options and questions and DOUBTING.
Current options: (may sound familiar, I've stated them in my first entry I believe)
   -Original plan
   -Peace Corps
   -Buff state for a degree in Interior Design and minor in French


What I'm currently UNSURE of is what my next move is. I'm afraid that if I choose to make a move, but do not have a valid reason behind making the move yet, I won't do well at what ever I choose to do because of the lack of rational and passion and it will end up being a waste of time instead of a positive direction in my future. 


The older I get the more UNSURE I become about more and more issues. I suppose thats what happens when our knowledge of the world expands. 


Jacques Lacan developed a psychoanalytic theory called the mirror stage. The mirror stage is a stage in an infants development, about 6-18 months, where they are capable of recognizing their mirror identity. Before this age they  cannot separate themselves from "the other" (typically their mother) and are completely dependent for  their one goal: survival. They realize that they are their own separate entity at this point. (to learn more go to: http://www.iep.utm.edu/lacweb/#SH2a)


I state this, because I believe that this is the stage in our development where we begin to form our own opinions and ideals about our own wellbeing; it's not just about survival anymore it becomes more complex, surviving to the highest potential, may be a good way of explaining it. From then on we take the information as it comes bit by bit and form our own knowledge of them step by step, slowly at first, and as we grow and develop it becomes more and more complex. We begin to take in information at a bulk rate instead of piece by piece. 
With every piece of knowledge we gain we become more UNSURE and UNCERTAIN. There is more to contemplate and worry about with more opportunities and more potential for success. 


After that large rant I'd like to make a few things clear. I LOVE my mother and I am VERY grateful that I have the option of living back at home at the age of 24. Also, I am very aware that I have time to think about my next move. 


When I write Its more to help myself organize my thoughts and get others thinking about their own current life situations. Also, I take the entries I write as a vehicle to gain more knowledge about a certain topic, thats why i usually add a quote, definition, or information about a number of random topics. I hope this helps me, and whom ever chooses to read, figure things out and become less UNSURE about the world and the future.


Guess thats it... I'm exhausted. goodnight world*
kro*

Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed. If I fail, no one will say, "She doesn't have what it takes." They will say, "Women don't have what it takes." ~Clare Boothe Luce

      SO.... I work at The Home Depot and as a female I've found it's very hard to get respect. I never thought it would be, being 2010 and all, but turns out it is.  Most customers who come in, not just male customers females as well, feel as if  the girls who work in the store are only cashiers, and refer to us as cashiers and not as associates in a given department. Another example is that when I am stocking the department shelves and lifting boxes, using a box cutter or trying to move around the orange ladders male customers will ask me if I need help doing it, which would be fine if i were struggling. Most of the time they say it in a tone like, "oh sweet little fragile girl obviously you cannot handle this situation yourself and need the aid of a man, here let me take this duty over and make your life a bit easier." Usually they don't give me time to answer.... so I just let them, because I cant be rude to the customers.
    Those examples are just small instances where I am made to feel inadequate at my job; but the thing that really gets me more than anything is when I am helping a customer in my department with something I do know, and they doubt my knowledge and ask me if there is a male associate that could help them instead.  I have two examples of when this has happened to me, but I am very aware that this has happened to many of the women I work with and at other stores as well.
          EXAMPLE #1: I have always worked in the paint department even though I was never technically a paint associate until this October when I switched stores. This means I have almost three years of experience in paint and in the store in general.  One day at my old store a male customer in his mid 40s maybe was explaining that he moved into an older house where the walls were just Lath and Plaster. He was convinced I had no idea what that meant even though I had made it clear that I do in fact know exactly what he was talking about.
                  Lath and Plaster is a technique used in older houses mainly before the 1950s when drywall took its place. Laths are narrow strips of wood placed next to each other where plaster is then forced into the gaps to seal the wall.


    Anyways,  he was trying to remove wallpaper or something from the wall and was concerned that whatever he was going to use was going to ruin the lath and plaster wall as well. So, as I was helping him with certain removers he kept asking me if I was sure I knew what I was talking about. Even though I reassured him that i was very knowledgeable about the removers, yet every case is different and he would need to test a small area just in case, I was very sure that the one remover I was showing him would work for him.     No matter how much I stressed this,  he asked if there was an older gentleman associate that could better help him. I told him i was the only associate in the department, and he still wanted me to find an older male associate. Even though Tim is younger than me, he looks a little older and he is a department supervisor who is very knowledgeable, so I called him over and walked into the breakroom to  cool down.  After Tim had helped the customer, he came in and asked what was wrong and I told him and Tim was like, "yeah I don't know much about the removers so I read the labels" and when I asked what he sold him, he answered that he sold him the same exact thing I recommended.                  EXAMPLE #2: This happened just today.  An older woman comes into the store and I am working the service desk. She seems a little flustered and she asks where Louis is. Louis didn't work today and I told her this and then went on the add that I would have the plumbing associate meet her in the department if she wanted to head down there. She quickly agreed that that is what she wanted me to do and then quickly added "but make sure you send a man not a girl." At that point I responded with a look of shock in reaction to how she said it, not so much what she said. I didn't mean to give her that look I was just caught off guard. She saw my face and responded, "oh hun it's not cause you're not cute or anything, its just cause this one girl told me she knew exactly what I was talking about and she looked all over and tried so hard and couldn't find it."        Now, I understand that she may be weary of that same girl helping her, but all females? I highly doubt that she would have said "don't send a man" if one of the male associates were to lead her astray.  Secondly, its really got to me that when she saw that I may have felt slightly offended, her response is that its not because I'm not "cute"... I could care less if Im cute or not because I am aware that my cuteness will not be the guide to your drain cleaners, but my experience here at the depot  and the knowledge of the drain cleaner formulas and type we sell will. And FINALLY, the thing that got to me most was a greater issue than just the doubting a female associates knowledge of the products, or the cuteness that a female should have while working at the depot to make up for the lack of knowledge,  it was the fact that a woman in her 70s who grew up in a time where woman had very little rights and even less respect than a woman does now, would not support her fellow females who are currently struggling in the workforce, especially in a male driven company such as the depot, for respect.
     I am very offended by this assumption that my intellect, not just at the depot, but in life, is any less valid than my male counterpart's.  I believe that I am a very intelligent woman and I know that there varying levels of knowledge. My blog's title "True knowledge is knowing that you know nothing" doesn't just mean that there is much more information in the universe that we, as an individuals, still need to know, but it also means that one person may know everything about one topic another person may know nothing about, yet the second person is still  as intelligent because they may know just as much about another topic of which first knows nothing about. 
    I challenge each and everyone of you readers to never doubt anyones intellect, but if you find that they do not know much about one thing, ask them what they do know about, you might be pleasantly surprised. 
~kro<3

bringing sexy back.... in a couple of months....

          SO... My mother and I joined the gym. It might be an understatement for me to say that since High school I've gained the freshman 15. But saying that I've gained a bunch of weight sounds harsh.... but true.  I plan on meeting with a trainer once a week for a year to try to resolve this issue. The point of the trainer will not only teach me the correct way to work out the parts of my body that need the most work, but also so I have an obligation to someone else other than myself to go to the gym.  I feel as if this is the time in my where its important for me to learn how to take care of my adult body and make losing weight and have a consistent good weight a priority. I mean now that I live with my parents, I'm not really using my money for rent or utilities, so why not use it towards taking care of my body and getting in shape.  Makes sense....right? The point of the trainer will not only teach me the correct way to work out the parts of my body that need the most work, but also so I have an obligation to someone else other than myself to go to the gym. 
       Turns out that working out with my mom is kind of funny, its not like working out with a friend. Although the last time I went to the gym with her I wasn't in a very good mood anyways. Not to mention I didn't bring my gym stuff in my car so I was stuck with what was already in my car, which was a t-shirt and some really short college shorts that rode up sooo far while i was running to make my thighs look even bigger. We went around 4:30pm and I had recently found out the guy I've had a crush on since the day I was able to develop crushes goes to our gym at 5pm every week night. I was really hoping not to see him, but... I did. And didn't he look just as sexy like 10 years later. He's beautiful.
    The point of the last two paragraphs is to discuss the idea that people who feel they need to improve their body by going to the gym are already self conscious about themselves, but its soo hard to work out and be pumped about going to the gym when its probably the place people feel most judged and insecure about their bodies. For one the boys who work out on the weights are usually super studly, and secondly the girls who go to the gym are usually trying to get those boys to notice them OR they are just crazy gym buffs who already look too good to be true.
For me Im just going to push through it and one day I hope those studly boys... aka love of my life... will notice me and I will look too good to be true... ha ha ha
     But really whats important is that I feel good about myself and my health. If im 24 and have gained this much weight, imagine what Id be like 10 years from now if I didn't decide to do something about it. 
     Hopefully this is something I can keep up and make a permanent change. And once I start seeing results Ill feel much better. I want my body back, because this one isn't mine....


I'd like to know how you feel about going to the gym, and maybe even what worked for you in terms of weight loss, or self discipline to go to the gym.  thanks! 


bringing sexy back.... 

All children, except one, grow up. ~Peter Pan

"tell me about the moment when you realized you were no longer a child" 
       a friend suggested as a new topic for my blog. Im not gunna lie, this intrigued me, yet kind of stumped me at the same time. I felt as if this one should be an easy one to discuss, because that moment is something I feel as if Id love to discuss on my blog. So much to say about that switch from child to adult. But, no... I haven't had that moment, and if I had, it was to quick to notice. 
      I don't feel like an adult, and when I've acted like one, its just  pretending. Just like a little girl plays dress up with her mothers high heeled shoes. Im 24 years old and I don't feel like an adult, but Im not a child either. I've always had a certain kind of maturity. My preferred crowd has always been a bit older than myself, and there hasn't been a time that I felt as if I was ever inappropriately immature for my age. Yet, as I enter into an adult world, out of college, making my own life decisions, I feel the same exact way I had when I was 16 learning how to drive, 18 entering into my freshman year of college, and 21 legally purchasing my first drink at a bar in the US. 
      Even though I haven't had that moment may not mean I'll never have it. As of right now I feel like Im in a type of adult limbo. Which may be a good thing. I am still young, and Im ok with that. That means I have time to explore, figuratively and literally. Having this time makes way for joining the Peace Corps an extra 2 years to be in limbo. This takes off the pressure of getting a big girl job with  a big girl family and a big girl attitude.  And if not PC, any other exploring of myself without growing up too fast.
     The reason I haven't  had that moment could be because I live with my parents at the moment. It could also be because I still have a part time job where I am treated like a child. The moment may be delayed because I still have more school ahead of me before I can even get my big girl dream job. What ever reason it is, I know that i have not had it.
     Maybe my moment will be the day I go on that interview for a big girl job of my dreams, or the day my perfect boyfriend proposes, or the day we get married, or even the day that I give birth to my first child. There is even the possibility that I will never have that moment. 
    Does everyone have that moment? And if you have had that moment, was it really a moment, or just the day you felt as if "you NEED to be an adult now... no more playing around."  


I guess I'll try to update you on the status of my moment, but for now, I might just try on my moms heels again.


NIGHT* kro

work friends are weird friends....

            Because I moved back in with my parents, I had to transfer stores. (I work at The Home Depot) I started at my new depot Oct. 18th, so I've been there for about 3 weeks so far. I am perfectly fine being in unfamiliar situations. I'm very outgoing, I have no problem starting conversations and I'm completely comfortable attempting to connect with new people. But, work friends are a certain kind of friends.... What I mean by that is while having a good friendship with someone at work is great, it doesn't mean that they are going to want to hang out outside of work. The work place is a forced atmosphere, where you don't get to choose the people who surround you. You can either sink or swim. Thats why while working with the person you can be the best of the best friends (swimming), but outside of work, you might as well be strangers... or you can choose to be the loner at work and not talk to anyone and ultimately end up hating your job and not making any work related allies (sinking).  
        The reason I bring this up is that the five years I've spent away from home has caused me to not have any friends at home anymore. There are the few that I can't seem to get rid of.... you know who you are, but maybe the reason I have time to write this blog is because there isn't anyone I hangout with on a regular basis. Back at school.... I know almost everyone, and there is ALWAYS someone who wants to accompany you on a late night Walmart trip or even run to the bar for a drink, or two.....or like ten, or any number of activities that take up time. Work seems like a good outlet to meet new people and maybe even form new friendships, especially since most people's lives mostly consist of their jobs and the occasional happy hour that follows. While at my old depot I was fortunate to gain some AMAZING friends and have the time of my life with a few of them, the new depot seems different. 
    As the work days go on, I find myself creating inside jokes with a few of them, knowing how to make them smile or laugh, and even ways to really piss them off, but where does that take me? One of the boys I work with was really nice and invited me to eat lunch with a couple of the guys on my second day there. I made the move today and wrote him a silly little note (right in front of him) with my phone number that said "can we be friends? check yes or no", he jokingly replied, "oh... I'll think about it..." But was it a joke? Or just a kind way of saying, "eh... I like you at work, but thats where our relationship ends."  Who knows, I hope that its the prior rather than the latter, because who doesn't love to get the gang together to go for a drink, or two (.... or ten) after a hard days of work, just to bitch about the other co-workers who weren't invited and the like.


to be continued...

the first nothings I don't know...

Fact: I graduated in May 2010 with a BA in Art History
Fact: I moved back in with my parents October 2010


   I am 24 years old, which means I have only lived about a quarter of my entire life; that leaves three times that amount I have yet to live. I think at this point I have decided to truly embracing a well known quote,  "Why then the world's mine oyster, Which I with sword will open" (Shakespeare's The Merry Wives Of Windsor Act 2, scene 2, 2–5). 
   Many people say, "the possibilities are endless"; I'm not quite sure if that saying is meant to be just an observation, or a promise to one's self of a fulfilling life adventure. My intentions are to take those four words as a promise; a pact I make with myself to not just curl up comfortably in the small corner of the world I have known as my own for the past 24 years, but to see myself as the thick creamy butter I can spread over the warm toasty dinner roll we call Earth.
   From the moment I packed two dorm rooms and four apartments' worth of stuff in my tiny green '97 Saturn and drove the hour and 1/2 north to my parents house, the thought "what to do now..." has been engraved into the future planning section of my brain. From the moment I declared Art History as my major I figured out that my perfect future was to graduate and get into grad school, eventually get my phd in Art History, and be a college professor (along the way find the perfect man get married and have 2 1/2 children and a dog) but... I'm not sure if thats the plan anymore... 
    I miss the old days when the choices we made in life were test runs and if we made the wrong one the consequences weren't so bad. I feel as if now in my mid twenties any choice I make will shape the rest of my life. Thats a heavy load to carry, although I'm sure many of you have had this frightening thought as well. It helps to know that I am not alone in experiencing this feeling, but I alone make these choices for my life an no one else's. 


Current possibilities for near future life plans:
- Grad school for art history
- back to undergrad for interior design
OR (the current front runner)
- The Peace Corps


    Yeah! I said it. I went there. I busted out the PC card... woot woot! The PC card is like the Wild Draw Four card in UNO that you've been dealt from the very beginning but keep it perched nicely in your hand until BAM! you bust it out when the opponent next to you who is about to call UNO on their next turn least expects it. 
   I feel as if PC and I go together like spaghetti and meatballs. For example, the only thing I have ever really wanted to do in life is travel, I don't care where, just anywhere seems so exciting to me. A new place to go is like when you're 5, and you've asked Santa for like 6 months for the pink Barbie convertible and you look under the tree on Christmas morning and there are like 100 boxes (really like 10, but when you're little everything is over exaggerated) that are all a shape and size that could house that very gift, and even though you're looking for that one gift, the other 99 boxes have gifts that you absolutely love and want to play with as well. What I'm trying to get at is that when it comes to a new place I'm like a little kid with a new toy. (See, I get soo excited I start ranting)
       Anyway..... from my little corner of the earth I only have a brief and maybe even skewed knowledge of the rest of the world. Media outlets such as movies idealize places that may be foreign to us as well as over or under exaggerate the cultures or conditions of those places. I am not the kind of person that just takes information and rolls with it. I am a hands on learner. I really need to experience something to gain knowledge of it; proof is in the puddin', can't believe it until i see it, kind of learning. This idea is #3 in the  PC mission statement. 
    #2 in the mission statement is about another country's view on Americans. I'm not really sure how other countries really view Americans. From what I hear we are not too popular. But, regardless of what is being said of how we are portrayed to the rest of the world, its true that we are lucky when it comes to our possibilities of travel. There are way too many countries that are not in good economical standing, and the people who live there do not get the luxury of traveling to the US, let alone to a neighboring country/state/or village. Therefore, it must be true that their knowledge of Americans is just as limited and/or skewed as ours is of them. 
    That being said, I believe I am a pretty well rounded person; I am modest, respectful, and compassionate just to mention a few great things about myself. All kidding aside, I rarely find a person whom I cannot get along with. I honestly believe that I would be a good representative for Americans in another country. ("so did I get the part?" ha ha just kidding) I'm very open minded and in the very limited time I have lived on this earth I've made it a point to approach all situations with an open mind and heart, if anything, they are learning experiences, each and everyone. You can only learn if you allow yourself to be open to the information. 
            The first goal in the mission statement, I feel, is hard not to strive for. If one has the means to improve the life of another, why would someone not offer the aid?  There are so many less fortunate than I, and with all that I am lucky to possess (not just physical material objects) I can only gain more by sharing it with others.  It just seems as if there is no more need for explanation. I have never felt any other way. 
    
   There are so many other reasons why I believe that PC is perfect for me right now.  Maybe ill discuss them in my next entry of things I don't quite know. But for now, its bed time.  GOODNIGHT WORLD*


-KG*