How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are? -Satchel Paige

Along with the typical apology for not posting more often, I would like to make the statement that my 27th Birthday is coming up. 

SOOOO... Sorry for not posting more often. I find that I only post when I feel anxious or upset, but I realize and admit to myself that these anxieties are trivial in the grand scheme of things, and the boyfriend would just scoff at the mention that they are bothering me and tell me I'm thinking too much or making a big deal out of nothing. I also only write when I feel I can sound intellectual and witty about it (so at least it's entertaining... kinda).

That being said.... MY BIRTHDAY.... is in 11 days. I have not really mentioned anything about my birthday to anyone... at least compared to previous years. If it were like previous years.... I would have declared it my birthday month and posted on facebook about it preparing my friends that the special day is coming. I would also attempt to plan my own birthday party and persuade anyone and everyone to be there. I would do all this every year (for at least for the past 7 years) knowing in the back of my mind that most...if not all... of my "friends" would bail, make an excuse, or just not show. I just want to have a good time with the people I consider my friends... the most fun people in the world.
On the flip side.... whenever it is one of my friend's birthdays.... I have made sure to go out of my way to call them at midnight, send a card, gift, bake, and/or go see them, and if they invite me to a party or to go out.... I go. I think Birthdays are special, and I want my friends to feel special. I just wish they felt the same for me.

I do have to say there are couple people in particular hat make an effort to make me feel special like my boyfriend, and his family, and my best friend who lives far away now. So my birthday isn't a complete bust.
Even my family finds a way to mildly trivialize my birthday, and makes me feel awful that my boyfriend's family makes me feel more special than my own family does. (Which is awful to say.... and I know my family loves me)

I thought to myself today, "Self ...(because that's what I call myself)...what if I continued to not mention it, and take my birthday off Facebook... who would remember? (I mean I have all of my friend's birthdays on my calendar with an alarm) but then I just thought that would be petty and just make me feel bad. Also, it does give me a little bit of joy when all the people I don't expect to say Happy Birthday actually do.
I am being silly I know. But after a few years where I haven't been made feel special on my birthday (besides for my boyfriend) I think I deserve a night where someone takes me out and buys all my drinks and I get some great memories... I really don't even want gifts, just the company of the people I call friends. I just want to have fun on my birthday.

I wonder if this is just what happens when you're in your 20s. All of a sudden reality smacks you in your face and adulthood does not include special days.  Am I the only one who has bad luck on their birthday? I wish it didn't have to be that way.

I think I've just gotten tired of planning my own party that no one goes to, and this year I will spend it at home, drinking my favorite wine, and watching TV while posting on Pinterest for the wedding, house and teaching job I don't have... that is, if I don't have to work.

I'm closer to 30 than to 20... I guess here's hoping someone throws me a surprise party...lol

Sorry for whining, but I needed to be a silent crybaby for a little bit and vent.

SO negtive tonight....bah-hum-bug I know.

next one will be happy... I promise.

<3 k

Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow ye diet. ~William Gilmore Beymer

So, in October I am the Maid of Honor at my friend Liss's wedding. The only other Bride's Maid is a size 2, tan, and blonde, I can't hate her because she is wonderful. I feel o.k. about my weight, I am 5' 5' 180lbs and curvy, but I am dreading looking at the pictures and seeing the composition way off balance because I am a whopping size 14.  It has always been so difficult for me to lose weight. I come from a family that is not petite.  Today I decided ...again... that I'm going to do it! I'm going to do it and stick to it this time! I LOVE food soo much though that I don't know if I'm going to be able to tame my hunger, especially living with my boyfriend who does not eat healthy at all... 

That is all for now... I suppose I will update you...

~kro

I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.

The Road not Taken
by Robert Frost Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

          This has always been one of my favorite poems, not because it is so nicely written and friendly, but because I have always been the type of person to wonder "what if". Because of that my life changes a lot; sometimes for the better and sometimes I make mistakes. Each of these changes becomes a road that leads to other changes. You could also picture a trees branches.
        In the past year and a half, lets say from February 2011 until today June 2012, I have taken so may different roads; each of them equally grassy and begging for ware, yet I wouldn't know where they each would lead me, until I got there. Even though some of my destinations were not preferred, I can't say they were bad. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, whether the reason is preplanned or not is up for debate.

   In February 2011, I rekindled a high school flame and began dating my wonderful boyfriend. He is smart and funny, has a good job, and a great family. We work well together; spending time together never gets old. He was up to great things. In March he bought his very own new new car and in August he moved into his very first apartment (which I ended up moving into as well... unofficially). But he was making big boy moves, which is super sexy. ANYWAYS...
   At this time I had already finished my undergrad, and moved back home and was transferred to a Home Depot near my hometown to continue working with the company.Working retail isn't so bad, it's definitely challenging, especially working the customer service desk. I was getting very burnt out after 3 years of dealing with awful human beings they call customers, so in May 2011 I left to be a dental receptionist at a small, local, privately owned dentist office.  (This is the destination I did not at all prefer)
   I really enjoyed the work. I love filing paper work and scheduling, but I was thrown in head first to a position I had never done before, which was under valued (because I was the ONLY person in the office) and a part time position with full time hours. Something wasn't right... but I am such a positive person, it didn't phase me.  About 3 months of working my butt of for this dentist who was unappreciative, angry at the world, mean, having an affair with one of the women who worked there, and just plain horrible he let me go via text message at 10pm on a Sunday. He let me go because "he couldn't remember telling me I could have an extended lunch" on a day where we had literally NO patients.
   This was the first job I had ever been let go from, and unfairly so! All of a sudden I didn't have a job. I had become an unemployed bum in no time flat via text message!  So, it was time to find another job.... which took forever! I was unemployed from July-September, applying to every job I could find. Finally in August I gave in, and applied for unemployment. I was so embarrassed. Luckily I was only receiving aid for a month before I was hired part time.
   Now I would like to discuss this series of unfortunate events. I was angry, frustrated, embarrassed and also....free for a whole summer.*sigh* As much as I would like to still be angry and bitter because of that....eh hem... mean mess of a man... I was happy I didn't have any obligations for the end of the summer. I could go to the beach, lay outside, take a trip with my boyfriend... not gunna lie, it was nice. But I began to feel guilty for always bumming my parents for "spare change", and making my wonderful BF pay for everything.
   In September I got a job with an After School program at an elementary school. This was good because I had already began applying to schools for education. It had a very sketchy start, and I ended up interviewing for a position that had already been filled... which didn't make any sense. I ended up being offered a "team leader" position, which means I just hang out with a group of kids in a specific grade for a few hours a day, and make sure they don't get into trouble or get hurt.  This was a huge change from working almost 40 hrs a week $10/hr at depot and the office, to at most 20 hrs a week for $9/hr bi-weekly (its very rare you actually get 20hrs a week). I was still struggling, but beggars can't be choosers.
   So its June 2012 now, and I am just finishing up working there, because the kids end school for the year in like 2 weeks.  I made it by because honestly working with the kids is worth it. They are wonderful little learners and to have any part of their childhood development and experience is a priveledge to me. I work with great people (at my site) and I have a lot of fun. Its wasn't enough to save, but enough to get by.
   In December I was accepted to Grad School and began the Elementary Education Masters Program in January. The program I became a part of is accelerated January-December the same year. So it goes by way too fast. The first couple weeks of the first semester were like a whirl wind. We have to do so much, not just homework, but outside tests and payments and certifications, it's overwhelming for sure.
   I LOVE IT!!! I am so happy with my classes and look forward to having a career in Elementary Edu. I have always been an average student, but in this program I completed my first semester with all As and a 3.88 GPA! I am super proud. I could not be happier. I have juststarted my summer semester and I will be going striaght until december completing my student teaching. Life is b....busy. (see what i did there?)
   Today I live with my wonderful boyfriend in a apartment with our two puppies (they will be one  year old in a couple days) that we got in October. I have an awful car, I get paid just enough for gas to get to school and work, and I have two different jobs until the end of June (after school program, and I just got a job at a wine shop). I go to school every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday and do homework every other second of the week. And I am super happy at the moment. Of course there are things I would change (like getting paid more) but I consider myself lucky.

   I know I haven't updated my blog in who knows how long... but I hope this post covers what has happened in my life since then. This will be a good precursor to anything and everything I post from now on.

As for my advice to you.... take the road less traveled, it'll make all the difference.

Truly Yours, Krogill

i am but a stranger....

'We're blind to our blindness. We have very little idea of how little we know. We're not designed to'

Insight: Daniel Kahneman, psychologist


that is all for now i'm afraid....

"Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound! Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Superman!"

I recently got into a debate with my mothers friend about religion. It was "a friendly conversation" I did not want to have at that time. She had been drinking and I just got home from a long day of work.

It all started when she and my mother were convinced that they had seen a ghost in my living room while they were sitting in the kitchen; and me being the SUPER wuss that I am, tried to get them to stop telling me and began to rationalize it in my mind. During my personal rationalization,  my mother's friend, we'll call her, Dana, noticed I am a wuss and began to console me by tell me that not all ghosts are bad and sometimes they are angels. (at least this is how I remember the convo, it wasn't super recent) ANYWAYS,  this conversation took a crazy turn, which I really don't know how it ended up in this place, but it began to be a "debate" about religion. I put debate in quotes because it was really just her aggressively questioning my lack of faith in GOD.

NOW, let me just say, I in NO way have a clue what I believe, ALSO, I am completely respectful of the way other people think and am open to their beliefs.

Now that I've said that... I currently do not believe in a God. I don't believe in heaven and hell, the devil or angels, the after life of any kind. My currently beliefs are based on many philosophy classes I've taken,  many history classes that discuss the beginnings of organized religions, and also the years I've spent going to my own church and the churches of my friends. 

I DO BELIEVE that when we die we go out of existence, just as we had before we were born. I believe in evolution, coincidence, the mind is the brain, that we do not have souls/spirits, and I also believe that their is life on other planets in the universe.

SO while I was having this "debate" with Dana, I was half hartedly defending my case (because it didn't seem worth it to fight her at that moment) I said something that I believe is pretty profound. She asked if I believe in miracles, that people can be blessed, and that sort of thing. I responded with this...

...I BELIEVE IN the power of the human being. The idea that we have a certain strength within ourselves to create moments that seem as if we had been blessed or a miracle has happened. We tend to give credit to a higher being, because we ourselves are stunned and don't know how else to explain it. WE DON'T GIVE OURSELVES ENOUGH CREDIT.  There is always something deep within us that can even shock ourselves. There are soo many things about the human body and the brain we have not been able to discover yet,  these things may be the reasons for the events that we can't explain.

We as humans are typically humble and we tend to doubt our own power and strength, or deny we have it at all. Also, we always have someone to blame when something bad happens.  So,  how perfect it it that there is this all powerful being that controls everything, who is kind yet vengeful.
There is a saying that religion is for the weak, well maybe it is.  Maybe when we are most week we look towards this being and beg mercy on us and bless us. But why can't we just believe in our own human power to get ourselves out of sticky situations. Maybe if we begin to trust ourselves and use our own inner strengths we can become more powerful and come to an understanding of how the human body/brain works.  (I dont know, just a thought.)

Dana said well what about the cases where (and Im completely paraphrasing) there's a bad person and they "see the light" and become good when there is NO reason for them to have "seen the light" in the first place. And I said, "I believe that even in those extreme cases, there is something DEEP within the "bad guy" that made him change his evil ways." There may have been a chemical imbalance in the brain, or a childhood recollection of something good someone had done for him, or even the way he was raised, ect... But regardless this change wasn't an act of a necessary being, God, but something deep within that came to the surface and began to change the way the person acts, feels, and thinks. And vice versa for good guys becoming bad, or obese people who suddenly want to lose weight, a career change, an urge to do anything! Its all within us.
She also, mentioned miracles where people shouldn't have survived certain instances like cancer, or a natural disaster. I responded with coincidence, chance, maybe during a tornado a person is picked up in the wind and should have died but landed a certain way on the ground where there was a huge pillow of some kind that kept them from landing on a hard surface, or just a small little instance where they're arm landed and broke but saved their spine from breaking. Cancer, maybe the chemicals in their body were strong enough to wipe out the cancer, or they reacted a certain way to treatments, or even their was no treatment but they have a certain diet, or live a certain way that just so happened to cure cancer. All of these reasons don't need a God, they just depend on the power within ourselves and the way our world works.

But I really do believe in the power of the human being. I'm going to try to dig deeper and practice this myself. I think going to church is great, I think there are good morals to be learned in church about how to treat yourself and also how to treat others, but I think people depend too much on the belief that there is this all powerful being, God, that they forget to read into those lessons and focus too much on pleasing this God. They forget to please themselves  and some end up going crazy to please this being that will never be pleased.

 just be happy and love yourself. After all, you are SUPERMAN!

kro*

there sure are a lot of frogs out there....

 Once upon a time there was an average small town girl...

             When we are young we grow up watching the classic Disney movies. Girl meets prince, they fall in love and they live happily ever after.  I know this is something that is commonly discussed but lately I've been thinking about it quite a lot.
            I have been single for about 5years now, and during those 5 years I have had quite a few experiences where I had felt betrayed, used, and mis treated by a guy who I had hopes of starting a relationship with. What I realize now is that I am a dreamer, and things do not work out like they do for Disney princesses; which I had always known, but chose to ignore that small tidbit of knowledge because I was caught up in some guy.
          I think I had gotten so used to being disposable that I had forgotten what it is supposed to be like. Currently, I have rekindled a high school fling, and I had  all of a sudden become infatuated with this guy again. He's super sweet and he seems to really like me, I hope. His actions, showing how he feels about me, has reminded me of what its like to be truly attracted to someone, and what a relationship is "supposed" to be like. This is how I should be treated, how I deserve to be treated and this is the kind of guy I should be putting my effort toward.
          About  two or three years ago I read the book "He's Just Not That Into You", that book should be the bible for all of heterosexual womankind. Its hard to read it and believe that its just that simple and, for lack of a better term, cut throat as it sounds. But, when you have a guy treat you the way you should be treated because he is actually really into you, it makes you stop and wonder why you had put soo much effort in the Assholes you'd given time to in the past.
    
     I currently told this guy that i wanted to take it slow, because I didn't want to rush into anything because I was afraid I would get caught up and freak out and ruin it. I have never been in an adult relationship, and I have been single for five years, and at 24 years old I want to do it the right way, if there is a "right way" to do it. Right now, though, Im not sure I want to take it slow. There isn't that awkward, get comfortable stage, because we were really good friends (with benefits at times) in high school. Although, there is some getting to know one another again because it has been a long time, and each of us has done a lot of growing. This is another part of my growing up stage. It makes sense to go slow and not rush, but I really want to be proud and call him my boyfriend and start our relationship together and get rid of my run-ins with shitty guys and put my effort into him because he deserves it too.

      All signs point to me giving up the exploration and being happy with the find, but I guess Im just scared that the find isn't the big one, and I don't want to be let down again. Last time I was let down by a guy I liked, whom I thought liked me as well, my friend said to me as he saw that I was upset, "Oh Kaitlin, the girl who couldn't be loved." It made me really realize that I really have been let down so easily, and I let it happen by being soo trusting.

       ....and eventually she lived happily ever after.... hopefully.


Goodnight dreamers*
Kro

The Alpha Male

"The Alpha male - I use this phrase a lot... Here is quick run down of what it means to me. If you watch animal shows on PBS or Discovery Channel, many species have a dominant male who has sex with all the females in the group, while the other males get none while waiting for him to die or until they are tough enough to kick his ass and become the alpha male themselves. Many males never get to be an alpha male (never get laid)."  
                                                                                                                            -http://www.pickupguide.com/layguide/alphamale.htm
  "This is Maniac High's website. Maniac lives in Tokyo,

Japan and likes to pick up chicks. This site is
devoted to that endeavor. If you are a "nice guy",
and have not been successful with women up to now,
then prepare to be awakened, as the solutions await
you in these pages!"

            After a pretty traumatic night with a certain asshole, I was left to only contemplate the current social conduct that people my age think is acceptable, and where this assumption that it is in fact appropriate, comes from. Beliefs such as the quotes above are what I find are common amongst the males of my generation. 

      What my current observation of men is that they are driven by sex (this may not seem like a surprise to anyone, or something new). Whats different and recent is that while in the past it was a process; men would realize that there needs to be some effort made in order to  get a girl into bed, such as buying drinks and taking a girl on dates. Today I find, men believe that they are entitled to sex without effort. They expect to invite a girl over to"watch a movie", not even pick her up or go to see her, or go pick out the movie together. Then while watching the movie make a move and end up having sex. Its like ordering takeout and not having to pay or even tip the delivery boy. But this expectation is ridiculous, when you have a girl come over and she just want to watch a movie, then when she doesn't want to have sex during the middle of a movie on the first night hanging out with you, YOU get pissed, as if she is in the wrong and threaten to call the cops if she doesn't leave your house?! Really are you that delusional? 

        Also, whats the deal with dirty pictures over the phone. That's something I would do only to someone I really trust; when I've been in the relationship with a person for a while. Whats with this new expectation that this is something I would be OK doing if we just began talking, or seeing one another, Or we are just friends. Its called porn, look it up; porn stars will be out of jobs the day girls willingly give guys dirty pics through MMS picture messaging.  Pay for a subscription and maybe! ugh! Don't call them a fucking bitch and waste of time when they refuse to send you a picture. 

    We wonder why women these days have self confidence issues. It may be because they are being smart and saying no to horny pig and in doing so being emotionally and verbally abused. Just recently these separate occasions have hurt me and really scarred me emotionally. 

Why do men this that it's OK to treat us like this? Where do they get the idea that they are entitled to sexual favors?  Are their parents teaching them the correct way to be a decent human being?

ALSO, those girls that are giving in, or even enabling this behavior, please think about what you're doing. Its about respect and these men who this it's ok to treat women this way aren't respecting you when they take advantage of you. 


I know that what i've just written are very bias and one sided generalizations, but it has really effected me and Im trying to analyze this more common than should be occurance. 


There is no one that it really helping the matter, media, schools, friends, peers, parents. why not?


g*night
kro